Tired
by Maeve22
Summary: She’s looking for anything to avoid the conversation and his eyes that can break rapists and murderers and her."


Disclaimer: So, none of the characters are mine. I know, I'm as shocked as you are.

The car has barely come to a stop before she has the door open and her foot halfway out. She has to get away from him. He's been angry all day (as usual) and he'd begun to take it out on her sometime around noon. Enough was enough.

Angry Elliot made for a long work day. Really, she thought, it had been a long couple of work months. She's tired. Deep down to her soul she's tired and she feels like she'll never be rested again. She's been giving him all her energy for months now and he's sapping her dry.

She tries to be supportive. Sometimes she fails. She kicks herself at least once a day for the rebound comment. He doesn't need her snarking him right now. Elliot turns to Olivia for support. Partners are supposed to be sympathetic and steady and 'for better or for worse' as he likes to remind her. Or he used to before this partnership became a one person support group for Elliot.

She deals with his attitude, his barely contained rage that threatens to leak out all over her at any moment, and she tries to get him to talk, but he consistently and predictably always resists. God, she's exhausted. The idea of being with him for another moment makes her want to throw up. And she hates that. She wants her partner back. She wants him to have _her _back and she's not sure he does. For the first time in almost seven years she feels alone and it terrifies her and she doesn't know how to go back. She figures it all depends on him.

Thank God for the week of vacation she has ahead of her. She feels guilty, though. She cleared it with Cragen, but couldn't bring herself to tell Elliot. It's cowardly, but she doesn't really know why it is; why she's avoiding him.

"Night, Elliot," she mutters as she half stumbles, half throws herself out of the car and onto the walk in front of her building. She doesn't even notice when he turns the car off and gets out.

"Liv."

If she didn't know his voice better than her own and wasn't always so eager to hear every scrap of verbal communication he throws her way, she probably would have missed her whispered name on his lips.

_Almost made it_, she thinks, giving one last longing look at the sanctuary that lies inside as she removes her hand from the door and turns to look at him.

"El, I'm really tired…," she trails off, hoping he'll get the hint. She doesn't want to talk. She wants to go inside and curl up in bed with a book and sleep for a year.

"I know….I just…," he stops speaking but continues the conversation with his eyes. He's trying to apologize she realizes with a shock.

_No dice_, she thinks, realizing her warm bed will just have to wait. "Come inside, Elliot. I'm cold." She motions with her head towards the door and he doesn't hesitate to follow.

He's warm behind her as she fiddles with her keys and she almost shivers when she feels his warm breath on her neck. _Oh, God._ Knees almost buckling together, she's glad he can't see her blush with embarrassment. She would rather just die right now than let him know the extent of the power he has over her. She chokes on a laugh because she can't fool herself into believing he doesn't already know.

The trip upstairs is silent, Elliot following one step behind her, which she would normally find comforting but today she finds it unnerving. She feels like he's avoiding her even though _he_ followed _her_. Oh God, he's nervous.

Her warm apartment provides little comfort from his cold and she finds herself in the kitchen, boiling water for hot chocolate and searching her fridge for food. She's not hungry but she's looking for anything to avoid the conversation and his eyes that can break rapists and murderers and her.

Elliot moves slowly around the apartment like he's pacing. She keeps tabs on him even as she avoids him, but the apartment's small and the tension is high and she can't prolong the silence forever.

Sighing in frustration she stands and watches him walk the length of her apartment twice. Finally, he turns and looks at her and it takes all her strength to hold his gaze. "We should order pizza."

Olivia grins at his lame attempt to come up with a reason to prolong his stay. Needs to gather his courage, she supposes. Figures she could use the time to do the same. They've avoided actual conversation for so long she's not sure they even remember how to do it.

"Okay."

She moves to grab the phone but he beats her there and grabs her wrist. She jumps a little in surprise but he doesn't let her go. He slides his hand down and entwines his fingers with hers. Tears form in her eyes and she's not sure why but she doesn't pull away. Instead she stands there quietly with her head tilted slightly and watches his eyes as they watch their hands. Minutes pass as they stand in silence and she gets increasingly uncomfortable. She's about to pull back when he releases her hand. "Sorry," he mutters and she shakes her head.

The tear she fought so hard to hold in slides down her cheek and she wipes it away quickly. She decides to bite the bullet and asks quietly, "What's going on, Elliot?"

"Nothing."

"Oh, Jesus Christ, Elliot." She stalks away from him and sits on the edge of the couch. "You go out of the way to drive me home, invite yourself in, won't _leave_ and there is nothing you want to talk to me about?" Elliot looks away from her and shrugs. He looks so much like a chastened child and her anger melts away immediately to her frustration. She really wants to yell at him but settles for a sigh instead.

"Kathy filed for divorce last week."

She almost gets whiplash she looks up so fast. She searches for words but none come and she has no idea what to say to him. Suddenly, however, this night's events make sense.

Elliot finally looks up at her as her silence deafens the room. Figuring she's waiting for him to say something, he continues, "I knew it was coming. Separation certainly wasn't getting us anywhere."

"Yeah." She winces visibly at her response. "Elliot, I'm sorry."

He shakes his head. "It's fine. Well, it's not fine but it is what it is, you know?" He settles in beside her on the couch. "Wanna hear something really cliché? I've been thinking about that conversation we had years ago, about soulmates? You still believe in soulmates?"

"I don't know." Olivia backs up into the corner on the couch and pulls her knees up. "I think I was just lonely when I talked about that. I wanted it to be true because if everyone has a soulmate there's no way I'll be alone forever, right?"

"I don't think that's true," Elliot replies as he eases back onto the couch beside her and lifts her feet onto his lap. It surprises her that he's this intimate so soon, sitting this close. But this is better, she thinks. They're falling back into comfortable patterns. She realizes she's almost forgotten what this feels like with him.

Cocking an eyebrow, she looks at him questioningly when he doesn't elaborate. "No?"

"No, I don't. I think you knew…" He trails off and suddenly finds her feet extremely interesting.

"Knew what?" She can feel him tense up at the question and suddenly _she's _tense and nervous. But then he's rubbing her foot and the anxiety is gone and she almost melts into the couch. She's forgotten the question when he starts to answer.

"I think you believed. I think you still do." He paused before continuing, "I think you convinced me." He looks at her again, but now it's her turn to look away. There is something important happening right now, and she feels like she's missing it.

When she doesn't say anything, he starts to stand, carefully bending her legs around him and placing them back on the couch. "I should probably go," he whispers, "you're tired and I'm…I'll see you tomorrow, Liv."

"You won't, actually. I'm taking a week off. I need a break."

He nods but she sees the flash of confusion and hurt in his eyes. "Ok." She feels guilty for not telling him before but this quickly turns to anger. She doesn't have to explain her actions to him. If she needs a vacation she'll take it. She flips back to guilt again as he starts to leave and she's nauseous from the emotional rollercoaster.

He's barely taken one step before she bounces out of her seat. "You can stay here, if you want. I mean, it's late. I happen to know of a free couch."

He smiles. It's a full smile; one of those teeth-baring, eye-crinkling smiles that always manages to make her lose her breath for a second. She hasn't seen one of those in a long time and she's irrationally proud that she was the one to cause it.

"No, thanks. I'd just have to go home before work tomorrow, anyway. Night, Olivia."

She simply watches him grab his coat and slip out of the apartment before she collapses back on the couch. She's not exactly sure what just happened tonight, and she searches the conversation for subtext. But it's late, and she's tired and all she's coming up with is the fact that Elliot is getting divorced. Her stomach flutters at this revelation and any pride she felt in making him smile disappears as disgust floats over her. His wife left him and she has the gall to feel happy. _Nice, Olivia. Real nice._

It's a nice week off. Olivia spends her time reading and shopping and finds herself feeling like a girl for the first time in a long time. It's the day before she goes back to work and the very thought wears her out. The energy she had saved up over the week dissipates into the air and she's tired again.

She's scared to face what this could mean. In fact, she knows what this means. She's burnt out. She lasted longer than most, but she's done. Going in to work tomorrow to face another victim…to face him.

She gets there early the next day, managing to beat almost everyone. Fin is there before her, and he holds up his hand to wave as he sips his coffee. She settles in at her desk and steals a file from off Elliot's desk to catch up on what she's missed. With one eye on the door watching for the captain, she scans the file. _Pedophile. Fantastic, _she thinks with sarcasm and continues to read. She scans the file for the facts and finds herself eager to jump in and catch the bastard.

"Morning, Olivia. Good vacation?"

She looks up to see the captain walking towards his office. "Yeah. Hey, Captain, can I talk to you for a sec?" He nods, noting the serious look on her face. It isn't even seven in the morning and already he's developing a headache. He motions with his head towards his office.

She follows him in quickly and closes the door. Allowing him a moment to settle in, she leans against the doorframe. She's scared about what she's doing. Her palms are sweaty.

"So, what's up?" Cragen asks as he collapses into his chair.

Olivia pauses for a moment and looks at her captain. She's sad to leave him behind. He's become almost like a father to her, in some strange way. "I need to transfer."

He nods slowly before answering, "Well that I wasn't expecting. Can I ask why? Why now?"

"I'm just tired. Of everything. I need a change." Olivia sighs as she scratches her forehead.

"You sure you just don't want to talk to someone? George is around this week."

"No. I'm good. I just need to get out of here, get away from this. I'm sorry, captain."

Cragen thinks for a moment, desperate to come up with a reason to get her to stay. He doesn't want to force her, or make her unhappy, but he honestly never would have picked her for the one that would want out first. He looks past her out his door window and sees Elliot greeting Munch and Fin. He watches as Fin points a finger towards his office and Elliot's gaze follows with a frown. He thinks maybe this transfer has little to do with her being burnt out about the job and everything to do with her partner.

"Olivia?" She looks up at her name. "Are you sure you wouldn't just rather get a new partner? I could talk to Munch and Fin, try to work something out."

She's shocked at his implication, but only for a moment. His words sink in, and she realizes that, as usual, he's got her pegged. Elliot's the reason she's so tired. He's the reason she doesn't want to be here anymore, the reason she can't be here anymore. She's sick of him, and she can never get enough of him, and that's the reason she's worn herself out. "No, sir. I need to get away. Maybe someplace warm?"

"Someplace warm. So, you're not thinking about simply moving to narcotics. You want out of the city? Olivia—"

"Could you just see what you can do? Please?" She whispers as she opens the door and sneaks out. She heads immediately to the washroom because her eyes are burning and she doesn't want Elliot to see. He'd ask too many questions that she isn't ready to answer.

She's wetting her face when she hears a knock on the door and she doesn't have to ask to know who it is. _Dammit_, she thinks. _He saw me._

"Liv? Can I come in?"

Looking around desperately, she tries to think of an excuse, but she knows he's not really asking. He's coming in anyway. "Yeah."

He swings the door open cautiously, before stepping in. To his credit he keeps his distance, and leans against one of the stalls behind her watching her in the mirror. "What's going on?"

"Nothing. It's just allergies or something."

"Liv, it's the beginning of April. There's still some snow on the ground out there. Also, I've seen you run through a field during pollen season and not come out with so much as a sniffle."

She sighs and catches his eye in the mirror. "Elliot…"

"I'm just saying, if you're gonna lie to me pick something more believable than allergies."

She turns around and leans back on the sink. She wasn't ready to have this conversation but its here now and she can't avoid it. "El, I'm leaving."

He's silent for a moment before responding, "Please tell me you're taking another week."

She shakes her head and finds a spot on the ground between them to stare at.

"Goddammit," she hears him whisper and it goes straight to her core. She's never felt this small in her life and she hates him for making her feel like this, even though she knows he has every right to be angry. She sprung this on him with no warning.

But then, she thinks, it isn't really without any warning. Their partnership had been struggling for breath for months now, and maybe she's doing the humane thing by putting them both out of their misery. Maybe the best thing for both of them is to move on.

But she's kidding herself if she'll ever be able to move on from Elliot Stabler. She's built her life around this man standing in front of her. Every day she's known him he's become more and more the reason she gets out of bed in the morning. He's her soulmate. As ridiculous and cliché a thought as it is, its true and moving half way across the world won't make it any less. But she's made her decision. She isn't helping him with his problems any by staying, that has been evident for some time, and she doesn't know how to reach him anymore. He's only bringing her down with him. They've been too co-dependent on one another for too long and its unhealthy. She needs to break away.

A loud knock on the door causes her to jump pulling her out of her thoughts. She looks up and sees Elliot leaning his head back on the stall frame with his eyes closed.

Fin pokes his head in when no one answers. "Hey, sorry guys, but captain's got something for you." And with that he leaves them alone, probably anxious to get away from the palpable tension. Olivia is quick to the door, not even bothering to see if Elliot follows her. She hopes a transfer comes through soon. This is killing her.


End file.
